在愛的邊緣

明天他即將回比利時, 而我則留在柬埔寨繼續義工
之後, 去到他那裡以熟悉環境, 和認識他的家人和朋友.
不知為何, 今晚有種無法呼吸的感覺.他指控我拒他於千里, 而我亦感覺如此.
又吵了一架. 覺得羞愧, 畢竟下午看了大屠殺的博物館, 下定決心去珍惜和平的重要性.
凌晨無法再入睡的我,懷念著手在鍵盤彈奏的力道和節奏.
當然, 有點生锈了,畢竟忘了倉頡的拼法.
同情,不斷暗湧的情緒讓手指停止, 而又陷入在創傷的黑洞裡.

這是世界最遙遠的距離. 兩個相愛的人為了自我保護將彼此推開.

當我們對愛情完全委身時, 做出許多的牺牲, 同時計劃著未來時,
我們依然為著芝麻綠豆的事情吵架如火如荼, 並感失望. 哭了幾次, 道歉了幾次, 咒罵了幾次…
彼此都知道因為過於在乎彼此, 而過於脆弱和敏感.

在身心疲累的情況下, 我再次向主降服…

India…here I come!

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Packing.unpacking

Just moved to another room. I packed up the belongings into boxes/containers/suitcases. Pulled the trolley from 4th floor to the 2nd floor. Opened up the things and did the unpacking a little bit so I can do the packing to Vietnam trip. I did all these in an evening. I said goodbyes to 4th floor wonderful times, my company, my first love and a guy that I may fall in love into sooner or later ..

Moving is always a painful yet also refreshing experience. I have the chance to organise, classify, define and reflect. However, I am overwhelmed somehow as there are something I can’t define or handle.
The official ending of a 12 years on and off relationship. The first man that I had kissed passed me all the mails that I had written to him. 12 years ago, 2000, I was more carefree, frank and sensitive. I poured my feelings onto the words and hoped to be understood so desperately. 12 years later, this girl had never learned smart. She met a like-minded guy and thought she could be able to talk to him about all the discoveries that she had made everyday. No, he did not know how to listen the complication melody. She knew she gave up too soon but she didn’t want to waste her affection anymore.

So, I unpacked my memories…bit by bit and the pain of loosing, the freedom of letting go, threw some of them off, and melancholy about what i had missed, laughed about the silly part of me…However, there are still some precious and significant memories and feelings. I slowly Pack them all in a smaller box. so all what had happened in the past will become lighter…bearable…i pray that i won’t need to struggle too much to move forward with it.

They say today is the end of the world. After saying so many times of goodbye, there is no longer strong attachment that dwells in my heart.

So i am on the way to a brand new world…on my own, all alone

How about your plan? Your future? Your dream…

I shrug my shoulder, with the box of packed memories on my hand…and say,"We’ll see"

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Murmur in Botanic garden

Trapped in the rain for more than one hour. Reading my diary. From Jan-Oct. I don’t like the latest me. From jan-June, I had much honest reflection and gained new perspective after these reflection. July–October. Change workplace and living place. Busy schedule , effecting working skill, a little bit here and there relationship..maybe that’s the reason of not able to write in-depth article. I had even stopped song writing. I guess the change of environment will help…as the artistic/creative/care free sides of me are too precious..what do u think, Lord?

After dinner

The physical need is satisfied, but the continuous anxious is still there. I won’t rate it as the scale of happiness, but the scale of fulfilment. 成就感1。5/10。因為事情總做不完。太陽如常地下山,這一天如此不同,又似曾相識。在時空的框架里,我身不由己地再感慨。為著忙碌感慨,為著空閒感慨。以及罪惡感。。。總抓著自己不放。人們繼續往前走,紅綠燈控制著人流/車流。我的人生故事,在這有形世界的表象中,如尘土,最終證明的對象說不定已睡著。快病了。最可怕的𣎴是缺乏休息,而是習慣了忙碌,而忘了怎麼休息。看到行程表有空著的一天,就想趕快將之填滿。

Thank you All…my cluster girls

since the incident, I had found out not to take anything for granted. And never try to waste any friendship.

Of course, to be true to myself and don’t try to over control the situation…and learn that the performance of job is not evaluated by boss(an inconsistent standard), but by God.

He knows me well..he searches my heart.

Again, I commit today to you.

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Thank you All…my cluster girls

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since the incident, I had found out not to take anything for granted. And never try to waste any friendship.

Of course, to be true to myself and don’t try to over control the situation…and learn that the performance of job is not evaluated by boss(an inconsistent standard), but by God.

He knows me well..he searches my heart.

Again, I commit today to you.